Yesterday, I suggested using the word “mother” for a writing prompt. Any variation of the word was fair game as long as writing commenced for at least 15 minutes. I also promised I would post my response to the prompt. So – here is mine:
Mother: Synonym for Love?
Looking at a fuzzy electronic representation of a tiny mass of organized cells on a computer screen made me want to cry. You were sucking your thumb. Funny – you never sucked your thumb after you were born.
Spitting at the doctor every curse word I knew in every language imaginable and even a few I made up did not make your arrival into this world any less painful. I was shredded and you had a broken collarbone before you were even a second old.
Traveling home from the hospital in a blizzard, with you tucked safely in your infant carrier and me strapped in a seat belt, made me cower in my jacket at the dangers I was putting you through before you were even a week old. How could the hospital staff trust me to take you home without 24-hour supervision?
Home was different suddenly, when you came through the door. I remember watching you sleep – in the only position you would sleep the first two years of your life: on your belly, ass propped up on bent knees – wishing I could give you more, love you more, help you more. Jesus – at least get you to sleep in a more neck-friendly position.
You took your first steps on my 23rd birthday.
After that, everything blurs. I have albums, shoeboxes, and now computer files full of pictures from birthday parties, Halloween parties, Christmas mornings, and Summer weekends at the lake. But it blurs. I cannot remember what year it was you lost your first tooth, but I still have it in my jewelry box. I cannot remember the year you learned to ride your bike without training wheels, but the training wheels are still hanging in the garage – just in case you need them again.
But you won’t.
You have moved beyond crooked teeth and skinned knees – beyond me, too – to driver’s licenses, tampons, movies out with friends, makeup and boys. And that is fine. I did the same thing. I understand – in my mind – that this is the natural order of things. But in my heart?
All this makes me look at my mother in a new light. How did she manage to step back? To let go of my hand? To watch from the window as I left to go who knows where, with God knows whom, to do Heaven knows what?
Mother. Synonym for love? No. Strength.
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write anyway, writing, Move Me, mother, writing prompt, children